What to buy a guy for Christmas by Anna T Gowera

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What to buy a guy for Christmas                                    Written by Anna T. Gowera

 

So my editor tasked me to research and write on this topic because (surprise, surprise) it smells like Christmas again, and girls (old ones included) around the world still haven’t mastered the million (or thousand, or hundred, or single – depending on the angle of the pocket and the size of the hand) dollar question: What to buy a guy for Christmas. Ok actually I was sent to find out what to buy your boyfriend, but I decided to mix it up a little. I mean, maybe he’s not yet officially your boyfriend, right? Maybe you both are still in that romantic phase where he turns and walks fast in the opposite direction when he sees u coming, and u watch him from your black Nissan March through binoculars and sometimes telescope because he plays hard to get? You know, that phase? So yes, what to get a guy for Christmas. According to a reliable source (ahem), more than 12 000 people a day have searched for this since the festive season set its foot in the door.

Thence, I set out to make the great discovery. What. To buy. A guy. For Christmas. I must hasten to add that gathering this data was no easy chore. After a while I began to think that perhaps I should have stayed home and put on my different personas, asked myself the question and complied this document reclined on my fluffy pillow. But no-o-o-o. I just had to have objectivity.

Here is how it went. Using a sample size calculator (chortle), I determined the size of the sample I would require of my chosen population, and was certain that I could finally use my droplet skills in SPSS (double chortle) or maybe even Epi Info (he-he-he!), or some other fancy-sounding statistical package to analyse my data and compile an astonishing paper with ground-breaking information. Say what now? What was to be my sample size and method of data collection? What were my null and alternate hypotheses??? Er, that is irrelevant now; good ol’ Murphy strapped himself firmly to my back.

Sample exchange:

Me: *whistling excitedly. Spots potential info giver. Strides up in all confidence.* Hello! (Insert niceties and self-introduction here.) I am conducting a research on what to buy a guy for Christmas. Could you spare a few moments to share your thoughts/ gift ideas?

Guy: I don’t accept gifts from strangers. *walks away furiously*

Eh?

Me: repeat above “Me” scenario

Guy: Why don’t you tell me what to buy a girl for Christmas?

Eh?

 

Me: repeat 1st “Me” scenario, but with less whistling

Guy: can I have your number?

Me: Eh! *whatsapp running man emoticon*

 

 

Me: *you know the drill now, dear reader*

Guy: I’d like to kiss you!

Hawu!!!!

 

Me: *Losing hope*

A few sane guys who get the gist of research:*Helpful answers*

 

So then, to balance the gender etc. blah blah, I round up a few girls.

 

Me: *insert the question here*

Girl: OMG!! You mind-reader you! I was just asking myself the same thing!!!

Sigh.

 

Me:*insert the question here*

Girl: What’s your budget? What’s his skin colour? What does he like? Is he married? Does he have a cute bum?

Eh??

 

Me:*insert the question here*

Bunch of other girls: *cocktail responses, some helpful and others downright hilarious*

 

With head spinning and Murphy slapping his thigh from raucous laughter, this is what I found out:

I don’t freaking know what to buy your boyfriend or some other guy for Christmas. Nobody flippin’ knows!

Not helpful? Ok because you have read this far, here are a few suggestions:

  • A sound system for his car
  • A sound system for his house
  • An iPhone docking station
  • A sound system for his sound

In case you hadn’t noticed, these are suggestions for the guy who likes to bake. 😀

Alternatively, a tie set, a pen knife, a toolbox, a car, a bus, a jet, a play station, or some toilet paper. The one thing in common, girls, and guys, that these things have, is that they have some degree of “usefulness”. Apparently Christmas socks and reindeer sweaters don’t quite cut it. Huh!

So there you have it! That is what to buy your boyfriend, or some other guy, for Christmas.

Happy holidays!!

 

Signed,

Miss Tarie Ann

 

P.S Dear guy, don’t you dare buy me a spatula for Christmas. Yeah I know I love to cook but I can buy my own my own damn utensils! All that “useful present” jazz? That’s for y’all masculine uns!!

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